I've officially realized something upon returning home from Christmas Leave this time around. And what I realized is this:

I'm never really happy. I've always got this sinking feeling in my gut like the day is going to go wrong, and no matter what I do, what I think about, how I act, I can't make that feeling disappear. It just...follows me. While I was home on leave I didn't have that feeling, I was home, I was with family, I was happy. The only thing that really lessens the feeling is social interaction, and a lot of the time, that's not even possible during the work day, considering the people I work with are complete douche bags and I avoid speaking to them as much as possible.

Online social interaction also tends to help. I do play World of Warcraft, as well as Counter-Strike: Source (I've been on Counter-strike twice as often), and that in particular makes me feel better, the only problem is, I can't always get on because it's online. I find that I'm much more comfortable when I'm socializing in an online...well...manner. But during the day, and especially on duty days, I feel like absolute shit because I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I've fucked up to make some feeling like this happen, and then it worsens. Several times I've felt like just...breaking down and have found myself unable to, no matter how hard I try, and I know it'll make me feel better, but I just can't get it out.

It's been two years...two years...and I've noticed that whenever I'm here in San Diego, CA during those last two years, I have NEVER been happy. Not ONCE have I felt as happy as I used to before I joined the military. Ever since I joined the military I've been nothing but...pissed off...depressed...annoyed...frustrated...very rarely to I even feel happy...and the feeling eases whenever I interact with someone, but the moment the interaction ends...the feeling comes back.

I'm sorry, you guys don't need to hear about this shit...

Anyway...

Til next time
~Brandon

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